It’s the 11th of December 2011, 9.30pm.
It feels like only yesterday that I turned 18 and went into a downward spiral, but of course I didnt let anyone know that. To the person walking down the street, my life was going great. But inside, I was slowly deteriorating. I had severe depression. I had just gotten out of a 3 year toxic relationship and didnt know how to be alone. I had attempted suicide on my 18th birthday, and failed. I’m partly glad it did, because I wouldnt of experienced what I did this year.
I was so sure of doing graphic design after I finished the Uni Prep Course. I was insanely keen on it because i love photo shop and designing things, and i did some work experience with a graphic designer whom said as soon as im in uni for graphic design, he would employ me straight away. But now, I am studying a double degree in Psychology and Counselling. This is because after being the victim of a crime in May, I saw a counsellor called Jason. He has been such an inspiration to me and made me see the world differently. Although we have only met once and spoken a few times on the phone, I want to be a psychologist like him. I always thought Psychologists are meant to be all serious and in suits and just sit there with a straight face and listen to problems. But he is nothing like that. I want to be there for someone when they feel like they are completely alone. I want to be that person that i wish i could turn to when i was at my saddest moment.
This year, I started to date males, which was exciting and scary all at the same time. I found i was more their mother than their girlfriend. It confused the hell out of me. I never really felt wanted by them. The thing is, most of them were all the same with different traits. I was attracted to gamers. I dont know why. Even my ex girlfriend was a gamer. So they didnt really show me much attention or anything. They were use to their mummies doing everything for them. Kinda sad. I need a change from that though, and I guess you never know what’s around the corner.
Im on these anti depressents that make me insanely hyper. Its pretty fun.
I have the urge right now to start a vlog. i think it would be fun. im all buzzing all the time. maybe vlog with people here and there.
Im currently writing a story. It doesnt have a title, but its helping me come to terms with a lot that has happened this year which is really good i think.
I love my littlest sister more than anything on this earth. She is the sunshine in my life :) She just turned 12 and every time I look at her, I keep thinking about when she was 3, and she’d skip around and couldnt sit still :)
My big brother is my rock and my only blood related sibling. We’ve grown up together and have almost always gotten along. He’s my best friend and is my other half. Pretty sure if he was to die, I would die because i would feel so lost.
Family always comes first for me. Then everything else.